Mom called me “Softie”. She said that she didn’t need to punish me much as a child because I would become so upset with myself for displeasing her that I didn’t need her punishment on top of it. “If I withheld a little love from you, you would stop what you were doing and change your behavior.” Maybe that’s not exactly how she said it, but it became the principle by which I operated for most of my life. “Please people, get their favor” was my sustenance. And if the person could not, would not be pleased with me, what distress I suffered. I strove to be everyone’s best friend, everyone’s confidante. I listened, cheered and/or commiserated. I loved being a blessing, but still felt like it was never enough, especially if I messed up. In light of my performance mentality, reading chapter 3 in Danny Silk’s book, Culture of Honor was very enlightening to me. Silk quoted John 14:15, “If you love me, you will obey me.” I used to tell that one to my kids all the time. Just ask them. This is how you show your love, by obeying me, God, Dad, by obeying the rules. Why did I teach them to obey the rules? Because that was how I lived my life, careful to obey the rules, not get in trouble, please everyone and feel good about my achievements. Straight “A”s in college was just the tip of the iceberg of my performance mentality. But Silk interprets this scripture differently, with grace: "When we hear this command from the mindset of the law of Christ we hear, 'If you love me, it’s going to show up in how you treat the things that I told you are important to me. The way you manage yourself in our relationship is going to be a clear indicator to me of your love."” (Culture of Honor, p. 87) So God says to us, you decide what you’re going to do. He doesn’t control us, nor does he want to. Instead he gave us a spirit of self-control. " It is your attention to our relationship, and your ability to manage yourself in this relationship in order to create and sustain intimacy that manifests the law of life in Christ. Intimacy – in-to-me-you-see…(It’s) how you learn what is important to me, and if you love me, you’ll adjust your behavior to protect my heart.” (Culture of Honor, p. 87) So, it’s not rules obeyed to make the grade, performance in order to belong and to be accepted as a son, or friend, or lover. Instead it’s because I am already a daughter, a friend, a lover that I am careful to please the one I love. There is no fear that I will be abandoned because of my behavior. Could it be that this amazing love relationship was what caused Jesus’ disciples to turn the world upside down? Could it be that we can still do the same? God, may our lives declare this truth in living color. This is what love looks like: I live out of intimacy with God and love people the same way. I reject no one for their behavior, but instead help them take responsibility for their actions, and love them all the while, just as I am loved.